I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I was so hopeful one minute and now. I don’t even want to talk. I literally just want to roll myself into the tightest ball and cry till I fall asleep and forget and dream and forget. My lips are getting warm, my vision is failing as tears run down my face. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I have these wars going on inside my head and the dark place, the dark places shut all of the light out and worst of all is I can see it happening. It’s like I’m supposed to be unconscious during this war, but I’m conscious I can see everything. I’m letting the depression take me over and I’m not stopping it. I’m too weak.
Soooo many options and thoughts going on today. I’ve really been doing a ton of thinking. Time to spill them all out?
People. Part of me feels like I wouldn’t be like this had I been so influenced by others. The other part of me feels like this is me, that my depression will never go away. As if it’s who I am and there’s no hope to getting better. I haven’t figured it out just yet. The more I think about how my life would be like without all of the unnecessary negativity, the countless times of people lowering my self esteem, the drama, the lost hope. I feel as if I’d still turn out the same. If it really is me, is there really any hope to be as happy as I used to be? I’ll tell you this, depression was never in my vocabulary before 2012 happened. I miss it.
Then there’s that thought of well, what if the people around me were the cause of my depression? And there is hope. Do I cut out all of my emotions, attachments, and relationships? Is that what brought me down so low? Or do I keep pretending that there’s nothing wrong with me? If I stop pretending and become a bitter person that I truly am on the inside I honestly don’t think I’d hurt so much anymore. Things would be so honest and true. Yet, I’d probably be more lonely than ever. No one wants to deal with me when I’m like that. No one wants to hang around a person like that. Or maybe it’d be an intervention sort of thing where I just let go for a few weeks until I start letting the happiness in. Sort of like a emotional cleanse. What people don’t know about me, I’m honestly quite a religious person. It’s part of the reason why I haven’t slit my throat already. This intervention thing could involve my religion and I’d pray more. Might even be happier. Does this sound like a plan? I think so. I really don’t want to feel like this anymore. No one should live like this. Especially with all of the stress happening right now as well. I think I’ve got a plan.