February 21st 2013

Hello again!

Soooo many options and thoughts going on today. I’ve really been doing a ton of thinking. Time to spill them all out?

People. Part of me feels like I wouldn’t be like this had I been so influenced by others. The other part of me feels like this is me, that my depression will never go away. As if it’s who I am and there’s no hope to getting better. I haven’t figured it out just yet. The more I think about how my life would be like without all of the unnecessary negativity, the countless times of people lowering my self esteem, the drama, the lost hope. I feel as if I’d still turn out the same. If it really is me, is there really any hope to be as happy as I used to be? I’ll tell you this, depression was never in my vocabulary before 2012 happened. I miss it. 

Then there’s that thought of well, what if the people around me were the cause of my depression? And there is hope. Do I cut out all of my emotions, attachments, and relationships? Is that what brought me down so low? Or do I keep pretending that there’s nothing wrong with me? If I stop pretending and become a bitter person that I truly am on the inside I honestly don’t think I’d hurt so much anymore. Things would be so honest and true. Yet, I’d probably be more lonely than ever. No one wants to deal with me when I’m like that. No one wants to hang around a person like that. Or maybe it’d be an intervention sort of thing where I just let go for a few weeks until I start letting the happiness in. Sort of like a emotional cleanse. What people don’t know about me, I’m honestly quite a religious person. It’s part of the reason why I haven’t slit my throat already. This intervention thing could involve my religion and I’d pray more. Might even be happier. Does this sound like a plan? I think so. I really don’t want to feel like this anymore. No one should live like this. Especially with all of the stress happening right now as well. I think I’ve got a plan. 

February 20th 2013 

This is my THIRD time making a tumblr, oh boy okay lets try this again. The first time was a success, had it for over two years and was the best distraction yet. I had plenty of personal posts, pictures, and overall beautiful pictures from the world of tumblr. After the first month of the new year, tumblr just wasn’t the same anymore. I couldn’t even go on the website without wanting to bawl my eyes out. The person who first showed me about tumblr has passed on and it just wasn’t the same. You see, he was the only person who actually knew and understood who I really was. Not even my parents can say the same. But this amazing boy never judged me, instead he helped me in so many ways and now no one’s listening anymore. Tumblr felt quiet and lonely. It had never seemed so before. So, I deleted it and a few weeks later started a new one! The 2nd tumblr became too overwhelming and I didn’t want to deal with it anymore. But this time, I’ve realized I needed it. For my own reasons. To feel better. I’ve battled depression for a little more than two years now. I’m still trying to rid of it and every day I feel closer to feeling better. Yet, everyday is still a battle. Anyways, I’m Catelyn. My middle name is Arizona (hence the username). Desire to call me either. 

BASICALLY, this is a welcome to my virtual journal/diary. If I know you in person please don’t discuss any of my thoughts with me anywhere elsewhere from tumblr. Thank you for following me on my journey :)image